I asked my mother what superstition means to her and the only words she had were, “Superstition is just an excuse for everything.” The very next minute I told her I’d rather die than go to work tomorrow and she instantly gasped, “Shubh shubh bolo.

In this particular case, superstition or to use the broader term, blind belief, was an excuse to show love or care or affection. But most of us consider such beliefs to be nothing more than tomfoolery, to use the mild term. I mean, is it really that big of a deal if I sleep with my head towards the North, mom and dad? Are you for real? If you had any idea how I slept in my own flat in Bangalore, we would be having an entirely different conversation.

Sigh. Anyway, here’s the list of ten weird superstitions blah blah blah…

1. Black Cat

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First of all, if you ever see a black cat crossing the road in front of you, then that can mean only one thing.

The cat is going somewhere. *cue X-Files theme*

Now this isn’t just an Indian thing. Egyptians used to believe black cats are evil and so do we, although for slightly different reasons. The colour black symbolises Shani and is therefore not good news for you.

2. Knives Under Your Beds

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Having bad dreams? Hey, instead of analysing your life and wondering what stress you face which turns your dream into pure terror, why don’t you use a knife.

No, that came out wrong. What I actually meant was the keeping of such harmless  things (*cough*sarcasm*cough*) under children’s pillows is believed by many to be the bane of bad dreams. While we’re on the subject, it also believed that using an onion for the same purpose would help you dream better about your future partner in life. Go figure.

3. Shaking A Leg

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Don’t shake it saiyaan, in case you lose your paisa.

This doesn’t make sense at all. Just like the absolutely stupid belief that shaking your legs continuously while you sit will somehow cause your account to empty itself. Is that what happened between Vijay Mallya and SBI? Hmm.

4. Crow Shit

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Seriously? I am actually reading this as I write it and believe me when I say this, I am as shocked as you are. Crow shit is supposed to bring you luck.

That’s right. It’s quite the Hindu belief that if a crow shits on you then some good old laabh is going to make its way into your miserable life. I tried to find some reasoning behind this belief but the Internet remains silent on this one. You’re on your own, believers and non believers.

5. Broken Mirror

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Ever found yourself in the situation wherein you really need to get ready for that party but you can’t? And why would that be? Well because you broke your mirror.

For a second, one could assume that you use the broken mirror itself to finish touching up and everything but beware. Be aware. Be warned. If you look at yourself in a broken mirror, then it means that you’re going to be a broken man. Sounds ridiculous? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

6. Lizards

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Wait, what? Yes, you know what it is boi. Imagine yourself showering in leisure and filling up your hair with shampoo lather. The cold water feels sublime against your skin, especially in this weather. As you slowly wash the shampoo off and feel it wash off you, along with all your problems and stress. The day is complete and your life feels complete. At that very moment, seconds before you switch the shower off, something falls on your head and slithers away, using your body as its own personal highway.

That’s right; a lizard falls on your head. You scream in terror and run outside, wishing for the fires of hell to engulf you and the foreign creature. But all you get is your mother telling you that it’s a very good omen and you’re going to have some really good luck.

*shudder*

7. Being Called Out From Behind

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Saw your father going out of the house? Hey that’s amazing. Maybe he’s going to the market to get something. But you realise that you don’t know exactly where he’s going. You should ask him. You do by calling out loudly, “Papa, where are you going?”

Your father turns around and all you see is disappointment, regret and anger in his eyes as he thinks about the day you were born and rues that he didn’t exchange you with someone else. But why display such animosity towards your own child? That is because it’s a bad omen to call someone out as they’re leaving or even sneeze. Tough shit, right?

8. Clipping Nails

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The old days were the best. People actually had sense and didn’t believe anything they read on the Internet because there was no Internet. They had normal lives and normal everything and one of the most normal, everyday things in this world is clipping your nails. However, this was an activity that wasn’t conducted during the dark. Why? Because you couldn’t see anything, genius!

Of course, like all beliefs based on logic, this one has now turned into a superstition wherein parents forbid their children from clipping their nails at night. One of the many reasons that are given for this is the presence of night spirits that lurk around in search for flesh. What a stupid belief. *quietly puts nail cutter away*

9. Scissors

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What’s the first thing you do when you get a hold of scissors? You use them, don’t you? How many of you have decided to use the scissors in the open air and have suddenly been subjected to a lot of reprimand? Raise your hands if said reprimand has led to a lecture on how you’re tearing this family apart and have been nothing but a disappointment in general.

No? I am the only one? I see.

Oh, and yeah, clicking away scissors in mid air is considered to be a bad omen as it causes fights within the house. So, the next time you hear your parents fighting, drown in self regret as you remember the years you spent secretly playing around with those scissors.

10. Hair Cut

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Indians are a simple people. They used to be farmers and would work their backsides off throughout the bloody week. Monday would then be a day of rest for them and they would spend most of this day with their families and maybe some of it cleaning and doing small chores. Tuesdays would, therefore, be quite the slow business day for your average barber since everyone would be hard at work the next day. So, the solution was to close shop.

Today? It is believed the getting a haircut on Tuesday is bad. Paap lagega bc.

You know what? I am done with these now. Enough of high level thinking for today. I am going to step outside and hope that a crow shits out a lizard and that lizard falls on my head. Maybe then I shall get a lot of money which I can use to drown out the gaping void my soul has become.

Thanks for reading.

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