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Aakriti isn’t allowed to step out of her house after 6 pm but has the words #Wanderlust and #NightAnimal in her bio on Instagram.

Sahil has never stepped foot in the gym but has #musclefreak and #doyouevenliftbro as his preferred hashtags in his twitter posts.

The only naked woman Sharan has seen in his entire life time is probably a blow up doll but that doesn’t stop him from imparting dating advice using #relationshipexpert.

The term ‘bio’ stands for a short biography, something about yourself that would enable the reader to get to know you a little. These days, it is used as a biodegradable section that is as good as your morning poop. Instagram, Twitter, Tinder, Tumblr and even Facebook, all these social media platforms require you to have a small ‘about yourself’. Its designed so people can learn a bit about you before they follow/befriend you, know the kind of person you are or your likes/dislikes etc. Basically, if you see a cool sounding word and aren’t entirely sure as to what it means but it looks like it has some deep profound meaning, you add it your ‘bio’.  Some clichéd, overused and useless terms you might come across are :

1) Sapiosexual

Defined as: A person who is sexually attracted to intelligence or the human mind

Not to be confused with: A person who is sexually attracted to snakes.

sapiosexual

Commonly found in bios of people who ‘tYp lyK dIs’ and take pride in doing so. They will have no shame in berating you for not being modern enough to change with the times. The only thing that needs changing is the not working hollow portion in their head. Perhaps a dictionary will be a good gift to them, as any.
If you’re one of those, ‘hope uh gt ur mind chekd ASAP as soon as possible’

2) Foodie

Defined as: Someone who sleeps, lives and breathes for the love of food.

Not to be confused with: A person who likes clicking pictures of food for Instagram and Snapchat.

Foodie

Predominantly used by women who moonlight as a pole in the strip clubs because of their waist size. Picture this: Eat once a day (while counting the carbs and the calories in each bite), proclaim you eat everything and anything in sight. Then, brag about how you work out really hard to attain that figure that you’re really proud of but duh! Fishing for compliments is eternal. There’s another word in Punjabi that rhymes with Foodie that will be more apt for such species.

3) Wanderlust

Defined as: A person with a strong desire to travel.

Not to be confused with: A horny person traveling all over the world to satiate his lust

wanderlust

You’d find this in bios of people who are from Delhi and travel to Gurugram/ Noida on a daily basis. Their bios change before their pin code does. These are usually ones who spend an hour or two daily in traffic and come back home as rejuvenated as one is from a solo Euro trip. Also, a common one between those who have a 7 pm curfew at home but share posts about night life and soul searching trips to the far exotic lands. Do you even take permission bro?

4) True Sagittarian (or any sun sign for that matter)

Defined as: Not really sure what

Not to be confused with: Any sane person

sun sign

First up, what on earth is a fake cancerian or a fake capricon?? WHAT HAS TO GO WRONG IN THAT HEAD OF YOURS TO USE THESE TWO WORDS ANYWHERE! These people are beyond the jadoo ki jhappi level of get well soon. There’s little hope and even littler scope of improvement in these species.

5) Bibliophile

Defined as: A person who collects or has a great love for books.

Not to be confused with: A person who files bibles at a church.

Bibliophile

Very commonly found in bios of people who’ve never opened an Oxford dictionary, let alone a literature book. Also if you have 11 characters left in your bio and you can’t think of a big word, this is probably it. That’s not to say that genuine book lovers don’t use it, but if you are a Chetan Bhagat fan or have any of his books in your collection, please have some god, allah aur bhagwan ka khauff and delete that word (also your entire existence).

6) Blogger

Defined as: A person who regularly writes material for a blog.

Not to be confused with: A person who writes anything, anywhere.

Blogger

Well basically, if you don’t know what to do with life, have absolutely no idea what to write in your bio and you are not even true to your sun sign, you are a blogger. You can be a fashion blogger, a food blogger, a lifestyle blogger, a fitness blogger and wait for it…an animal blogger (where you just post pictures of animals and use hashtags,  apparently).

. . .

I am sure whenever you do read a bio next time, you would have a clear idea of how to proceed with the analysis. Will this make you more judgemental? Yes. Isn’t that what you have always wanted to be when you grow up? HELLS TO THE YES!!


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