It does not matter if you are in your early twenties or your late thirties – come Saturday night and you are ready to party. And why not? After slogging your butt through the week, it is only legitimate to want to sip a little of Scotland’s best contribution to the world. A little wining, a little dining and a little dancing- that is all.

But inevitably there is a Ying to every Yang, there are certain constants to any city’s nightlife. And I beg your pardon but if you happen to live in Saddi Dilli then you know exactly what I am talking about [yes, there will be more references to Dilli’s nightlife- I speak only from experience, people.] In this piece, we bring to you the different kinds of people that you will meet on your Saturday night out:

1) The wannabe Joey Tribbiani:

Yep, we have all met this kind atleast once in our lives. Some of you are that guy *ugh*. They will hit you up with a cheesy one- liner [If it isn’t How you Doin?, then its something much worse.] Acting like they are God’s gift to mankind, this person will continue hitting on you till the time you leave the club. Yes, they are the ones who still believe that conversations begin with “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” and end with “So, your place or mine?”.

2) The Paedo Uncle:

Call me materialistic but there’s only one upside to dating older men- the fact that they will always insist on picking up the bill. The Paedo Uncle is ready to hit on you the minute you approach the bar. Hitting you up with a shady line like “what is a young thing like you doing alone here?’, Paedo Uncle will insist on buying you a drink. In the situation that you do agree to one, remember that he will soon believe that you have agreed to go home with him for the night.

3) The Newly Married/ Soon to be married Couple:

If you see two people looking aggressively for each other’s tongues, then you know you’ve found this type. Gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, Baby and Shona have time only for each other, and will spend the entire night encased into each other’s arms.

4) The Workaholic:

While you will see a lot of people dressed in work clothes on a Friday night, if you see someone in their work clothes on a Saturday night, you know its serious business. Often seen texting busily on their phones, they seem hardly interested in the usual activities going on around them. [These are the kinds who would be found typing away on their Blackberrys about a decade ago. The more dedicated amongst them will not even shy away from whipping out their laptops and letting lose their spreadsheets.] If you do, somehow manage to snatch their attention, be ready to hear all about their work throughout the evening while you nod and try to act interested.

5) The Wingman/ Wingwoman:

“So my friend right there thinks you are really attractive.…” Ladies and Gentlemen, lets bust this myth right here. Your friend approaching that hot person FOR you wont really cut it square. Sadly, you end up finding quite a lot of these actors in supporting role who think you would look great with their “friend”. Sigh.

6) The Selfie queen:

Whats the point of dressing up if you don’t have atleast a hundred pictures to prove it? The first thing this person will do while entering any joint is scout for a place with good light and bang, get to work. A side angle, a few front angles, two with a pout and a few without. Their sole intention is to get instastories/ snapstories.. maybe everything apart from a love story.

 

7) The washroom BFF:

Ladies, we absolutely cant deny the fact that there is nobody friendlier on earth than a drunk woman in a washroom. From tampons to tweezers, ask for anything in a room full of girls and you shall find it. Passing around compliments like lose change, you’re sure to find them in every washroom. Bless up.

8) The Brand Factory:

You know how people with an iPhone make it a point to display it? Imagine a much, much worse version of that. It is like playing a game of spot the brand- for a person to be labelled into this category, they must be showing off atleast five luxury brands. From Burberry Scarves to Gucci Tshirts, you will see them flashing brands right left and centre. One has to admit that the stereotype that Delhi people often tend to be overdressed is not completely ill founded.

 

9) The Cigarette Freeloader:

While its completely justified to ask someone if you may borrow a light, everybody, even the non smokers know that asking someone if you can borrow their cigarette is just really, really bad manners. And yet, one finds plenty of these on any given Saturday night, shyly asking people “Bro, can I borrow a cigarette? Thanks man”. A very valid response at that very moment would be to ask them for a sip of their drink in return.

10) That drunk guy/ girl who’s best friends with the commode:

There are various reasons why you often see a lot of people in this position, emptying their insides on to the poor old toilet. Maybe they didn’t want to waste money on starters and proceeded straight for that alcohol, or maybe they had one too many of those drinks [free drinks served on ladies night don’t count. You might as well sip a lemonade.] However, nobody, absolutely nobody likes taking care of someone else on their night out. [No, as much as your BFF might love you, holding your hair back while you puke does NOT qualify as fun.] Tip for next time? Eat well before you start drinking, and stop just the minute you feel the buzz. Remember, this happy- tipsy place is where you want to be.

 

You know you are growing old when you wake up on Sunday morning, looking like a homeless meth addict, and also feeling like one. While you do promise yourself that you will not repeat this behaviour next time, come next Saturday, all promises are forgotten.

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