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Question: What do you call a person who tries to catch the raindrops from his window while it is perfectly sunny outside and he is sitting in an enclosed room with no openings whatsoever?
Answer: A Salman Khan fan

Trying to find a good story in a Salman Khan movie starring Sohail Khan and directed by Kabir Khan is kind of like finding a South Delhi girl with attributes of Monisha Sarabhai. On second thought, you might find the latter a tad easier than the former. In what could have been a really promising and inspiring movie, Tubelight falls short on expectations. *Surprising* It is yet another typical Salman Khan film. It will appeal massively to the Bhaitards but that is pretty much where it ends.

Salman’s attempt to play a modern version of Rohit from Koi Mil Gaya just does not come through. If you are absolutely blinded by Bhai fandom and have absolutely no regard for your money, I still would not recommend you this movie. But in case you do have copious amounts of moolah and even more amounts of time on your hands, here is how you can spend both those aspects better

1) Unhidden Dangers of Sword Swallowing

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There is a research project by radiologist Brian Witcombe & world champion sword swallower Dan Meyer aimed at analysing the dangers of swallowing a sword. Yes! the dangers of swallowing an object that is designed to kill people. I mean, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE DANGER OF SWALLOWING A SWORD? If you must, donate to this cause, sponsor their research and further their studies or be a part of their study. I assure you it will hurt less.

2) Hand out Rs. 100 to strangers

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Charity, a feel good factor. It boosts self-respect and it helps someone. If you have too much time and money on your hand, stand at India Gate or The Gateway of India or Taj Mahal or whatever popular monument/landmark you have in your city and start handing out Rs. 100 notes to random strangers. Believe me it will feel miles better than having to sit through Tubelight for more than 2 hours. (It is 3.5 hours long, btw). Bonus points if you don’t find a Arbaaz Khan look-a-like while you are at it.

3) Find potential matches for Uday Chopra

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While this also borders on charity in a lot of ways, it is slightly different from the last kind. After the debacle of Nargis Fakhri, our very own Dhoom machale has been out of luck when it comes to “lady charm”. Make his profile on ‘shaadi dot com’, sponsor his Tinder premium subscription and although slightly illegal, offer money to any woman who is brave enough to go through the long haul with the golden boy of the celebrated Chopra family.

4) Find if Dogs can distinguish between Picasso and a Monet?

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There is evidence to prove that pigeons can distinguish between the works of these two great artists. Now the question is, can dogs do the same? If you want to find out, buy a cute little lab, nurture him for a couple of years and then spend a fortune in gathering works from Picasso and Monet. Put on your PJs, throw some romantic jazz music on, get that glass of wine and just sit back on your couch and wait for your dog to make some sort of an indication that he knows which one is Picasso and which one is a Monet. It’s either this or watching Sohail Khan give 1 standard expression throughout the movie. I know which way you would go.

5) Finish counting the stars at night in KKHH

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Remember the cute Sardar kid in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai who counted stars in the sky at night? Yes that cutie who said “Tussi ja rahe ho, Tussi na Jao”. Finish the job he started all those years back. I say, make him realize his true purpose in life and help him count the number of stars in the sky. A few billion dollars here and there on telescopes and other astronomical equipments, another hundred million or so if you actually need to go to outer space for a closer view, but every penny is worth the trouble. The flip side is that it saves you from watching Salman Khan move mountains using his bare hands while making an orgasm face that explains why he is still a virgin *just saying*.

. . .

If you still think that Tubelight is worth a watch, I am no one to stand in your way. But if you are going to go for it, you might as well buy Blue Ray DVDs of RGV ki Aag, Mastizaade, Great Grand Masti and Desh Drohi. *I mean this one*.

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